How does abandonment affect adults

A fear of abandonment is a form of anxiety. It often begins in childhood when a child experiences a traumatic loss. Children who go through this experience may then begin to fear losing other important people in their lives. Some individuals continue to fear abandonment as they grow older.

Although it is less common, abandonment issues can also sometimes begin in adulthood. Support and treatment can help reduce the anxiety. Keep reading to learn more about abandonment issues in both adults and children, including the signs, causes, and treatment options. Fear of abandonment is not a standalone mental health condition, such as depression, but it is a form of anxiety and even a phobia in some senses. People with abandonment issues may experience problems in relationships because they fear that the other person will leave them.

Signs and symptoms of abandonment issues in adults include:. Individuals who experienced abandonment in childhood may find themselves drawn to people who will treat them poorly and eventually leave them. When this occurs, it reinforces their fears and distrust of others. In children, some degree of worry about caregivers leaving them alone is common. Separation anxiety is a normal part of development in infants and very young children.

It typically peaks between 10 and 18 months and ends by the age of 3 years. Separation anxiety and abandonment issues become a concern when the symptoms are severe or continue for a long time.

In children, a fear of abandonment may manifest itself in the following ways:. In severe cases, such as those in which a child has experienced the loss of a parent or caregiver, they may develop unhealthy ways of coping, such as:. In adopted children, research indicates that the child may experience the following due to feeling abandoned:.

Abandonment issues arise from the loss of a loved one, such as a parent, caregiver, or romantic partner. The loss often stems from a trauma, such as a death or divorce. Emotional abandonment, where a parent or caregiver is physically present but emotionally absent, may also give rise to abandonment issues later in life.

It is not clear what makes one person develop a fear of abandonment and not another when they have experienced similar losses. Trauma — potentially from abuse or poverty — may play a role, as may the level of emotional support that a child receives following a loss.

Without treatment, abandonment issues in both adults and children can make it more challenging for the person to form healthy and secure relationships with others and to live a fulfilling life. Individuals should seek help if they believe that they or a child for whom they care is experiencing abandonment issues. People who have a history of trauma or childhood loss may also wish to speak to a doctor or mental health professional if they have not addressed these experiences before.

A fear of abandonment is not a medical condition. Not funny ha ha but funny as in hard to explain. Understanding this is critical to your well-being. It does not mean you have to reject, confront, blame or punish your parents in some way. It just means you have to gain insight into what was the true starting point of your current emotional difficulties in order to develop a clear path to feeling better.

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I dont care what you do; I give up on you. Do you want me to stop this car and put you out? You can all stay here, I am leaving. Fend for yourselves. Poor coping strategies Promiscuity Relationship problems Trust issues If any of these describe you or if you have been diagnosed with any of these conditions it is likely that you feel bad about yourself.

All we are doing in life is trying to keep ourselves occupied while we wait to learn how we are going to die. Dear James, please do not give up on finding the meaning and purpose of your life.

It is so very important and valuable. We must all seek it for ourselves and that process is what makes our lives worthwhile. Please know many others are struggling alongside you, whether you feel it or not.

Im a father who has abandoned his kids,i got over the constant fighting and battling to see them because their mother does not stick to the court orders. Call their mother all the names under the sun? Of course not,i Just have to let it go,i will have to let their mother corrupt their minds About me. Ive Just drifted away slowly and stopped calling,they dont Need me in their life.

Unfortunately their mother has put her own needs before theirs and still cant let stuff go, needs to get back at me through witholding them. Have i abandoned my kids by giving up…. I encourage you to talk this over with a trained therapist who can advise you on how to handle this. Making the decision to walk away will leave its mark on your children forever. And, as you say, you will have to live with it as well. Please get some help and support on this. They need you. Whatever you do, they do not deserve to be abandoned.

Trust me, they need you and love you. This is how my daughter describes what happened. She is an adult, and no matter how many years I have tried to connect, my daughter still remains passive aggressive toward me.

I have cried, explained, apologized, given money when needed, more than anything, I have said how much I love her, and what happened, and why I chose to ask people in her family to help, has made little difference. My daughter was told by her family that I was at fault for the abuse she experienced by her birth father.

No matter that I did what I could to flee the situation, as I was beaten and abused. Leaving that kind of situation, is never easy. And when you make the break, and then be told you are to blame and are a liar, really hurt me. However, for children to hear this, was very destructive and confusing. Though, my daughter remembers, and saw what happened to me, she still has no empathy.

My daughter was abused by her father. I did not know. This story she believes, breaks my heart. And no matter how I have tried to talk about where I was mentally and how the abuse I went through affected my life, my sense as a mother, and that I believed I was a bad mother and could not control the outburst behavior of my two children. Their school threaten expulsion, due to aggressive behavior by my nine-year son, and verbal abuse of my 11 year-old daughter toward her teacher, of whom she gave the finger, glued his jacked to his chair, etc.

I was verbally called names by both children. My son was completely out of control, and I know, he was only nine at the time, but it was what it was. My family tried to help, I took them to counseling, I tried coping. Early the next morning I woke, closed my bedroom door, gathered my children, and left my apartment. I called my apartment over and over until he answered.

I threatened to call the police if he was not out immediately. He left, but returned one more time a few months later. Depression and thoughts of being a failure, and feelings that if my children were going to have a chance in this life, we needed a break. So, I called family and one best friend for help. So my son went for what was to be a short stay with friends, and my daughter was sent to live with friends of family in another state, of whom I communicated with in depth.

They wanted to help. Those people, turned on me as well. My daughter told that I knew of her abuse, and that was it for her caretakers, said I would never get her back.

My friends who took my son, never were able to have their own children, so my son was manipulated away from me. I gave up. I just stopped and fell into depression even deeper and planned to die. So, I picked myself up off the floor, re-connected with a friend, a man, who was employed by the State Department, and married him. Perhaps, fleeing the country, was my way of fleeing what I could not change.

My heart was broken in so many ways. I was a child of great abuse, a spouse of great abuse, and then, married to a man of great mental abuse.

However, I am to blame, I am the mother and no matter how broken I was, I should have been able to fix the problems and saved my children from going down the wrong path. I am to blame, and have carried this weight for 35 years. I have never stopped trying, never.

But, my daughter wears her story and has told everyone, so that when I am around her friends, family, etc, the elephant is always in the room, and that elephant is me.

My son, he is okay, though his childhood affect his life. He went through a lot of bad choices, and was placed in juvenile hall.

So, the friends could not fix his problems either. He is good now, and is a dedicated employee and father. My daughter is an amazing nurse and mother. I know, what you all think. How could I have placed my kids with other people. Officials came to my apartment to talk to me. As you can see, I felt, truly hopeless. I was not a neglectful parent. I showed love, affection, routine, barrowed money for my daughters violin, etc. Nonetheless, I failed them, I failed them in every way. So perhaps, I deserve the treatment from my daughter.

She is my best friend when she needs money or something. After, slowly she slides back into being too busy. I helped my son for years, but have stopped now.

He is able to take care of his life. My daughter is a register nurse and is doing well. Please, feel free to share your thoughts. Please be kind. I have been beaten enough, but still hold this weight of loss, and failure. I often want to kill myself, and just leave this life, then I feel my daughter would be free of where I failed her. But, I have three other children, and they would be crushed.

But the temptation at times overshadows that. Dear Marie, the idea that if you died, your abandoned daughter would be free is just wrong on so many levels. That is not how human psychology works! Please tell your therapist you have thoughts of suicide. Believe me, such an act would harm all of your children in painful, damaging ways.

Please, please seek help with this! That pregnancy destroyed his childhood. They stayed together barely speaking for 8 more years, ate separate tables, separate bedrooms. Father grew very willful. They met in high school as sweethearts and established a mutually co dependent relationship They married at 18 to live out their marriage as high school sweethearts.

That would have fine, BUT they wanted and had 3 children. So confusing for us kids. We often heard your parents are so in love always walking hand in hand we behind them. We certainly believed we were not wanted, not to talk not even, never affirmed absolutely no unconditional love expressed.

Ages Daddy sat us down at the picnic table and instructed us that we would no longer call them mommy and daddy but Bob and Maryanne. Try processing that one Being the middle one I found my place as the defiant one. There was none to be had. I found self pleasure by age 6 and that fit in with my fantasizing what my life would be like when I was released from that house. The problem with surviving on fantasying is that it lacks human connections but it was safe.

I saw him for three years and he tried everything hypnosis sending mommy dearest away in a black car. Your ego did. I can recall one emotional connection with him after my defiance led to his taking to the park one night and beating me damaging my nose and came to me sequester in my bedroom truly in remorse apologizing.

Shit I thought that was love. No one wants to talk about this childhood stuff after high school and yet most adult changes started in our first 4 years. I read a professional publication. But that core decision will under or over ride all future relationships. I am most blessed having married a Sunday School teacher who grew up receiving her human gifts of unconditional to re-gift to our son. I am struggling so bad right now.

My father won full custody of my brother and I in due to abuse and neglect from my mother. I should note that my mother denies any wrongdoing and says my father only won because he had the better attorney. My mother believes herself to be the victim having her children taken away. She does admit that she never tried to get us back, never tried to see us, never sent mail or packages, despite k owing our phone number and exactly where we lived.

My father never asked for a dime of child support from her either. She was able to land a very well paying job that required her to travel all over the World and be gone months at a time.

My father was a truck driver and we were very poor my mother judges my father because he was not able to make a descent living. We stayed with my grandparents most of the time.

She had remarried to a man who had his 8 yr old daughter every other weekend and my mom and her seemed very close. I was the outsider and she continually told me everything I was doing wrong from the way I dressed to money management. My husband and I received food stamps at the time and she looked down on that severely. Her and her husband hated my husband and sat me down and offered to move me across country, pay for a place for me to live, pay legal fees so I got full custody of my daughter and pay for me to go to school if I would agree to divorce my husband.

My husband was an amazing father and husband. They said I would be much happier with a more successful man. This made me so mad because othing I did was ever good enough. I walked away and said I would never look back. When I was 35, I was pregnant with my second child, again I started a relationship with her. I was in my last year of college. It hurt, but I knew she was right. They were paying big bucks to put my stepsister through a private college.

We both graduated the same year. I immediately landed and excellent job, doubled my salary in a little less than two years and continued to climb. My husband became a stay at home dad, we purchased a nice home, we managed our money well, but it was never enough. I tried to tell myself she only wants the best so I followed her advice she had a way of completely tearing me apart when she felt I needed to improve or change something.

I never fit the bill. I literally made myself sick trying to be and do everything she thought I should. My husband was ready to leave and by now she had started nitpicking my daughter to the point my daughter hated her and my daughter is a kind soul who has never hated anyone. No, you do not get to talk to me like this. I am hanging up and you can call back when you have calmed down. I sobbed for days. She posted a gushy tribute to her stepdaughter on Facebook the day after saying how proud she was of her daughter.

This time I feel as if I am about to crumble inside. What can I do? Is there a book? Thank you. Since I am born, my parents never showed any sign of love between them. I dont know why, but my mom hated my dads family. Hi, my name is Marissa the first 6 years of my life my mom was in and out of my life. My old man was married 4 times and I was never allowed to live in his home with his new family. My mother remarried and had three more kids but, I was never allowed to live with her either.

My grandparents were wonderful people but, when I was 9 my grandfather died at work and eventually, my grandmother would lose her home to the banks. I joined the regular army at 17 and later, made a career in law enforcement, married a wonderful woman and tried to exorcise my past. I wish that I could say something warm and fuzzy or inspirational but, the pain that my parents inflicted on me and the sad, compensatory behavior that I hid behind, tortures me every day. Your story resonates with me Tim.

It is a comfort to me to know that in spite of it you made a success of your life. All the best. My life has been a mess since I was born, my whole family hated each other and they were always fighting, this was worsened after I was born. Both of my parents left me when I was two, they left me in the middle of winter without heat in the house and no clothes on and never came back, luckily a package was delivered to our house and the UPS guy stayed with me and called the authorities, I was then in the hands of the state.

They put me with my grandma and it was ok until I was 6 or 7 and then the downhill fall began, we lived in an apartment complex and I came home from school one day, and people were screaming at my grandma and me and banging on our walls. The owner came and then kicked us out so we had to scramble and find somewhere to live. They got mad at us and kicked us out eventually. So we moved in with another family and they were nice until my grandma and the other lady had a disagreement and so we were kicked out and we had to live in a tent with barely any food.

A week after that my grandma handed me over to a family at a local church and she went back to South Carolina and I have barely seen her since.

It is hard to remember that sometimes, I know that but just keep fighting.